After a fairly recent live performance, a woman from the audience came up to me and asked “are you self taught”? “No” I snapped at her as I retreated, ticked off. If only she could have seen all the hours I’d trained. Countless days and nights. Ballet teachers scolding me and being encouraged to saran wrapping my stomach (can’t believe I did that one). Weeks of why whole body being sore and beyond exhaustion. Class after sweaty class pushing my body beyond its limits. But I wouldn’t lie to myself. I know that along this journey my technique has never been my strongest suit. Even with all the training, my inner critic has been loud and realistic. She knows her limitations.
So when this woman asked me on this day, she touched a spot of insecurity that runs across my lifetime. Even after all that work, it still looks like I’ve never had proper training, huh?
But when I reflect on this innocent question, I remember that there has been a pivot in my relationship with dance. Or at least in my perception of my relationship with it. I’ve always loved to dance with abandon, with my whole heart and soul. But for a long time I never thought that was enough. At some point I realized that my gift has always been in the passion itself. That I was never here to be the “best” dancer. That my body itself refused to be tamed no matter how hard I tried to tame her.
In that sense, yes, I have been self taught. I have taught my body to be free. Or rather I have listened deeply to her and asked her what she wants most. Enough to know that freedom is always the answer in some form or another. She has taught me what it is to be present. To enjoyyyy the subtleties of being in this human form. To not miss out on this physical experience in favor of an anti-carnal spiritual dogma, or for satisfaction of the gatekeepers who decide what makes a good vs bad dancer, or in favor of a narrative that believes one must truly suffer for their art. I love to learn and to grow the vocabulary of my hips, hands, feet. And I taught myself how important it is to continue to make sacred space for dancing with abandon.
I’ve had to quiet the sad inner child who just wanted to be great, to soothe the part of me who thought that only acknowledgment mattered. That performance was my oxygen. I’ve taught myself how to BE in my body. To bask in the aliveness under my skin. And to lean into the space around me, unafraid to have an experience with the breeze, the sand, the sounds of music as it cleanses me. And to dance like no one is watching even if everyone is.
Thats why I am so passionate about inviting my clients home to their bodies. Beyond choreography, beyond self judgment, beyond the right and wrong way, there is freedom so simple and serene. So lush and delicious. Something all the technique in the world could never have shown me.
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